When she was a year old, I held my daughter Georgia at the closed window of our 30th floor New York City apartment so we could look out over Times Square.

Across the street, stretching the full length of a 40-floor building, was a painting of Dwight Gooden, the ace Met’s pitcher, coiled in his wind-up with his eyes staring straight at us from under his cap.

I had the habit of asking Georgia, “Is it a cloudy day or a sunny day?”  Soon enough, however, it got more complicated, and our conversation evolved.  In other words, sometimes it was not all cloudy or all sunny.  Sometimes, it was both.

So it is with effective communication.  Not in terms of sun and clouds, but in terms of assertiveness and empathy.  We need both—the will to assert and the sensibility to speak into the listeners’ capacity to hear. 

We do the audience a service to be assertive because we give them something to push against, to poke holes in, and thus create a dialogue between our experience and theirs. 

And we do ourselves a service to understand their capacity to listen—to see the world as they see it—so that we can clothe our assertions in terms that will help them see more clearly the validity of our view. 

Some of us lack empathy and find it hard to comprehend what the audience is able to hear. 

And some of us lack assertiveness and find it hard to engage constructively in intellectual combat. 

But those who can do both earn the respect and trust of followers and opponents alike.  We call these people leaders, movers and shakers, high potentials, charismatics, persuaders, influencers, top guns, visionaries, sales stars. 

My daughter and I thought Dwight Gooden was staring at us, but in reality he was staring at the catcher’s mitt, trying to hurl his pitch where the catcher could catch it.

Sims Wyeth is a speech coach in Montclair, NJ specializing in presentation skills and public speaking training in order to give accomplished people the knowledge and skill they need to become accomplished speakers. Learn more public speaking tips at www.SimsWyeth.com.

I attended a great seminar this weekend at the Integral Yoga Institute in New York City. The teacher was Boris Pisman.

Boris teaches Yoga philosophy, and described one aspect of Yoga as the ability to learn how to handle anxious thoughts.

He said that Yoga makes an assumption that there is a natural state of mind in which human beings are free from anxiety.

Boris, who is a wide reader, mentioned a study called the White Bear Study (Schneider and Wegner, 1987, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.)

The paper documented the fact that, “people can, but only for brief periods of time, suppress thoughts of white bears,” Schneider said. “But on removal of suppression instructions, people are typically flooded with the thoughts they were supposed to suppress.”

“These observations suggest that attempted thought suppression has paradoxical effects as a self-control strategy, perhaps even producing the very obsession or preoccupation that it is directed against.”

Consider a person who is fearful of public speaking being encouraged not to think about the terror of facing an audience.  The White Bear Study suggests that thought avoidance, or suppression, is a poor choice for such a person.

Further studies point to the “remarkable health effects” of disclosing a thought rather than suppressing it, and the negative effects of depressed people trying to suppress self-critical thoughts.

It seems we are better off entering  into dialogue with a thought than we are chasing it away.

In fact, concentrated thinking about the negative thought, along with writing down descriptions of what you fear about it, and reading aloud the description, have been proven to be highly effective ways of curing anxiety disorders.

As Boris was careful to point out, these findings are not cure-alls for everyone, but they have worked for many people if the therapy is sustained for a certain length of time.

Stage fright can be a chronic anxiety for even highly successful people.  These methods may prove to be helpful to those seeking to gain mastery over their fear of speaking.

Sims Wyeth is a private speech coach in Montclair, NJ specializing in executive speech coaching and public speaking training in order to give accomplished people the knowledge and skill they need to become accomplished speakers. Learn more public speaking tips at www.SimsWyeth.com.