When she was a year old, I held my daughter Georgia at the closed window of our 30th floor New York City apartment so we could look out over Times Square.

Across the street, stretching the full length of a 40-floor building, was a painting of Dwight Gooden, the ace Met’s pitcher, coiled in his wind-up with his eyes staring straight at us from under his cap.

I had the habit of asking Georgia, “Is it a cloudy day or a sunny day?”  Soon enough, however, it got more complicated, and our conversation evolved.  In other words, sometimes it was not all cloudy or all sunny.  Sometimes, it was both.

So it is with effective communication.  Not in terms of sun and clouds, but in terms of assertiveness and empathy.  We need both—the will to assert and the sensibility to speak into the listeners’ capacity to hear. 

We do the audience a service to be assertive because we give them something to push against, to poke holes in, and thus create a dialogue between our experience and theirs. 

And we do ourselves a service to understand their capacity to listen—to see the world as they see it—so that we can clothe our assertions in terms that will help them see more clearly the validity of our view. 

Some of us lack empathy and find it hard to comprehend what the audience is able to hear. 

And some of us lack assertiveness and find it hard to engage constructively in intellectual combat. 

But those who can do both earn the respect and trust of followers and opponents alike.  We call these people leaders, movers and shakers, high potentials, charismatics, persuaders, influencers, top guns, visionaries, sales stars. 

My daughter and I thought Dwight Gooden was staring at us, but in reality he was staring at the catcher’s mitt, trying to hurl his pitch where the catcher could catch it.

Sims Wyeth is a speech coach in Montclair, NJ specializing in presentation skills and public speaking training in order to give accomplished people the knowledge and skill they need to become accomplished speakers. Learn more public speaking tips at www.SimsWyeth.com.

Robert Zajonc (pronounced ZYE-unts) was an American social scientist who explored the interplay between feeling and thought—between emotion and cognition.

He was interested in determining which influenced the other more strongly.  On balance, he came down on the side of emotion.

In one widely reported study, he found that smiling or frowning can alter blood flow to the brain as facial muscles relax or contract.

This in turn affects the parts of the brain that regulate feelings, helping induce happy or sad emotional states.

Could smiling help speakers with stage fright?  I think so.

The Buddha is depicted most often with a slight smile on his face—and he had true inner peace.   Little Orphan Annie knew that, “You’re never fully dressed without a smile,” and now we have the work of a renowned scientist to confirm the fact—on balance, it’s better for us when we smile.

Look at this ad from Microsoft.  It appeared in a newspaper exactly as it looks, I have not done anything to it.

At first glance, it looks like a mistake.  It doesn’t belong in a newspaper or a magazine.  It’s imperfect and unfinished.  It even says, “Draft,” in red at the top.

I read it because I was curious.  I thought I might read something secret and personal.  And for a while, I believed that I was. 

Then I just sat back in amazement.

They put backstage behavior on stage.  They made the rehearsal process the show.  They confessed that they are human, that messages and products are created through trial and error.

They used form to imply content.  They used art and craft to create authenticity.  They made something artificial look real. 

Not only that, they linked the marketing message to both the image and the text.  They even say that their product can’t make a great company—only that it can help to make that happen.

That’s true and honest.  They are not making exaggerated claims.

Makes me think about spoken communication.  Makes me think that our messy eccentricities may be our greatest strengths as speakers.  That our pretense of polish and perfection may be our greatest weakness.

And if not, at the very least, it points us to the fact that if we want to get attention and arouse curiosity in our audience, we must say, do, or show something that is in contrast to what is expected.

Sims Wyeth is a speech coach in Montclair, NJ specializing in presentation skills and public speaking training in order to give accomplished people the knowledge and skill they need to become accomplished speakers. Learn more public speaking tips at www.SimsWyeth.com.